Daniels vs. Durly III

National Association of Condiment Fighting (NACF) championship match between Kerwin Daniels and Randy Durly - May 24, 2019.

Live blog by staff writer L. Vivian Crugg


6:20 p.m. - Referees meet with competitors to discuss rules and F.C.D. (full condiment disclosure).

Randy decides to go with spicy mustard, ketchup, his Dandy Randy's homemade barbecue sauce and his wild card salad dressing is thousand island.

Kerwin's choices: yellow mustard, mayonnaise and relish and his wild card salad dressing is Italian.

6:24 p.m. - The battle begins with Randy getting a solid spicy mustard shot on Kerwin's left thigh. Kerwin returns the favor by tossing a bag of mayo that explodes on Randy's left foot, good for six points and the early lead.

6:26 p.m. - Randy caught with two slices of rye in his pocket. Two points deducted and he has to forfeit four ounces of thousand island.

Said a visibly frustrated Randy: "I was going to bring whole wheat, but I switched at the last minute."

6:31 p.m. - Randy mixes ketchup and barbecue sauce into a plastic to-go cup and tosses his trademark "Red Hammer". Kerwin thinks he can side-step the cup, but instead gets some on his shoelace. The shoelace contact gives Randy a 17-9 lead.

6:34 p.m. - Kerwin hit with an illegal use of duck sauce penalty.

6:36 p.m. - Feeling desperate, Kerwin breaks out the italian dressing hose, but the plan backfires when Randy blocks the incoming dressing with a garden salad. Randy up 93-36 and pulling away late in the first half.

6:40 p.m. - Kerwin gets two clumps of relish in Randy's left ear for a huge, 20-point swing. Approaching halftime with Randy up 73-56.

6:41 p.m. - An attempt by Randy to push Kerwin into a spicy mustard bath is unsuccessful with three seconds remaining. Randy ahead 76-58 at halftime.

Halftime notes:

* Referees looked at several angles of a replay and noticed a barbecue sauce stain on Kerwin's left shoulder. Extra point awarded to Randy.

* The Worcestershire Choir performed songs from their newest album There are Shallots in your Eye

* Randy's appeal to switch to ranch in the second half is denied

6:59 p.m. - Randy wastes no time in the third quarter, squirting ketchup on Kerwin's shirt to take a 91-60 lead.

7:03 p.m. - Randy falls in a relish trap and sprains his right ankle. Injury time out.

7:07 p.m. - Kerwin pulls the old mustard-sneeze trick, made famous by Herbert Gallego in the late-1940s, and covers Randy for a seven-point hit. But continuing his feast or famine day, mustard water is found dripping down Kerwin's face and the points are taken away. That's two MWV's on the day for Kerwin.

Said Kerwin: "It's frustrating, you know? You spend so much time shaking the bottle, making sure the mustard water is gone and a little bit drips out and all your dreams drip out with it."

7:09 p.m. - The Kerwin Daniels Fan Club shows up towards the end of the third quarter in their salami head dresses.

Fan club president, Lenny Vinson: "We're here for Kerwin. And the to-go plastic silverware/napkin/tiny salt and pepper packet package door prizes."

7:12 p.m. - As time expires in the third, Randy executes a pirouette and somersault, dropping a bowl of thousand island on an unsuspecting Kerwin. Heading to the fourth quarter, Randy in control, up 146-100.

7:14 p.m. - Fourth quarter begins; Randy hit with an illegal use of tabasco sauce penalty point.

7:18 p.m. - Kerwin finally gets a direct hit with his Mayo Grenade and Randy's lead is sliced to 145-120.

7:20 p.m. - Randy has to use another time out after passing out from lettuce exhaustion. Kerwin takes advantage, coming out of the time out with a yellow mustard squirt on Randy's left ankle.

7:23 p.m. - Kerwin with another clutch move, luring Randy into the Den of Pastrami, then blasting him with a garbage can full of relish. Kerwin cuts the deficit to 145-140.

Randy: "I'm not worried. The kid's never been in this situation before. Match is on the line, low on mayo. Be interesting to see how he handles the final few minutes, or as we veterans like to call it The Spice Rack."

7:27 p.m. - Randy somehow throws his spicy mustard ball before it breaks apart. It catches a part of Kerwin's mustache, Kerwin mistakenly swallows the mustard clump (10-point infraction), and Randy takes a 180-165 lead with time running out.

7:32 p.m. - Roast beef found hidden in Kerwin's socks. He's stripped of his mayo hose and the match for Randy is all but sewn up.

7:34 p.m. - In a disturbing end to an eventful condiment fight, Kerwin tries to drown himself in the complimentary russian dressing pool. Referees stop the fight.

Randy Durly wins match, 202-160 and retains the Swiss Cheese Belt
.

Classifieds

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Other services available:

* Leaves pointed at
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* Holes filled
* "He said, 'quiet on the set'" sign holder
* Rain puddle eulogies
* I'll silently point at the menu while you order your food


** And coming Spring, 2019 it's the Joe Maglio Mobile Gift Shop.












Featuring*:

- Joe Maglio business cards of the past
- Photograph of Joe and heavyweight boxer Moe Jaglio
- Toast pieces, plate from June 26, 2014 breakfast
- Remaining mortgage payments on gift shop

* plus 2 other items

The Billys

In 2015, and then again in 2018, I had the privilege of being a part of the two greatest baseball play-by-play broadcasts of all time.

The following is a greatest hits of those two days.


1. Milwaukee and Wright State played a Horizon League game on March 20, 2015, and though I never got the name of the young man who announced that day for espn3, I called him Billy because he sounded like a Billy:


"A little droobler"
"It's a young season on the year"
"Here comes the sign from catcher, he shakes it off a little bit"
"Welcome back here to this baseball game"
"Hits a ground ball to first place"
"Once again, a first pitch swinging Panthers"
"Nick Unes, now swinging"
"It's gonna be a swing and a mount"
"Zero balls, one strike"
"He's given in two strike outs"
"Two outs in"
"Trying to get his team right back into the bench"
"First pitch of the bat"
"Looked to be a close there call"
"That's an unfortunate event"
"Looks like the catcher is OK here...we'll get right back into action"
[Cough] [Cough] [Cough] "sorry, I had something in my throat"
"Nice job by the catcher to get out of his stance and retrieve that ball"
"Looking for the sign from the coach"
"Looks to be a catcher, number Sean Murphy"
"Murphy will retrieve back to first place"
"The third baseman does a nice job of staying on his feet"
"Ahead in the count zero one"
"Saw the scouts down there with their radar guns.....got a little excited"
"He has now reached the century mark in pitches as he pitches one hundred"
"Tyler Hermann would be the last man chance"


2. Nearly three years later, on February 20, 2018, Tennessee beat Lipscomb in a non-conference game, and play-by-play man Andy Brock out-Billy'd Billy:


"he's already through the first batters of the Bisons"
"Chinea gave great minutes for the Vols"
"it's fouled directly backwards"
"the newcomer pitcher"
"looking to swing the ball"
"making sure the Vols don't get too into scoring position"
"in their first ever win of the season"
"and the first swing for the Vols is a successful one"
"he is a fan of runners on base"
"couldn't quite collect his stance there"
"a very productive offensive outing"
"Thomas interested in the pitch....did he go around?"
"as the Vols set to take the plate"
[after a second inning strike out] "Zach Daniels looking to make up for that later in the game"
"this man is looking to increase his stats heavily this season"
"he can fly around the paths"
"back in the top of the third, this is a very young game here at Lindsey Nelson Stadium"
"since then Hunley hasn't strucken out anyone"
"letting Hooker walk right onto home"
"Vitello has worked with multiple NBA stars, including Andrew Benintendi of the Boston Redsox"
"Dayton Tripp is settling into this mound"
"you never know what you're going to get night in and night out with Benito, but you know you're going to get firepower"
"a swing and a deep cut"
"Chinea puts a piece on the ball"
"hoping to center one out"
"late in the third quarter"
"to give them a nice six point cushion"
"Tennessee gets across zero in the fourth inning"
"that probably would've been a double or a single in the MLB"
"the bats have been decently consistent"
"he does give off a nice blast"
"a little conference over at the mound"
"they have deemed Adam Stewart's day to be done"
"Dorso's really investigating his runners over there"
"they'll only have one inning to get back this three-run lead"
"one double to his name"
"Vazquez has been dialed in, no one's been really able to face him"
"and the Volunteers take the one game mid week game series"

Father disappointed in sons

When he purchased a basketball goal last Christmas, local man Arnold Blue thought it would lead to great success on the court for his sons Arnold Jr. and Tyler. Instead, the hoop, located in front of the family’s home at 345 Durly Court, has gone more than 10 months without a single shot being made into it.














Blue estimates "probably 500 shots" have been missed by the two boys.

“Not even a lucky one. You know, maybe Arnold Jr. throws the ball up in the air as a joke and it goes in,” said Blue, 44. “We didn’t count a shot Tyler made in June because my wife, Patrice has pictures of him using a ladder.”

Tyler, now age 10 and getting a C in math, declined comment.

Blue was skeptical of his sons’ athletic ability even before he purchased the hoop on December 9, 2017. He now feels they should be discouraged from sports altogether.

“I wanted to raise the next Michael Jordan, but these kids play more like Estelle Jordan,” said Blue, while pointing to his next-door neighbor, Estelle Jordan.

Electronic mail-order brides

The last couple weeks I’ve received dozens of emails telling me about all of the Ukrainian women I could date. 

Messages with subject lines such as “Ukrainian Charm”, “Ukrainian Dating” and the extremely uncomfortable “Ukraine Girls Now” have popped up in my spam folder like tiny airplane bottles of I wouldn't click on this sauce. 

The latest arrived Friday morning.



Sure, we've got a few misspellings, but my favorite part is the Re:

Hi, Mr. Aschermann? This is Bogdan with the Ukrainian Dating email service just returning your email. We hear you found some really hoot womeen and for us to see for our sleeves? Well, guess what we found?








What is fake dating?

If your mom/dad/band teacher comes is that a fake date?

Let’s say you meet someone and choose a restaurant for your first time out together. You walk in and the hostess seats you at an ironing board and hands you menus from another restaurant. The waiter approaches and listens to your order but doesn’t write anything down, then brings empty plates. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, but instead run wind sprints in the parking lot. Later, you pretend to hand the waiter a credit card and he pretends to take it and moments later brings a blank sheet of paper, which you do not sign.

A bus boy sits on the floor, playing in mayonnaise.

You walk outside and hand the valet nothing, he disappears for a minute and upon his return pours some dish soap in your hand.

Is that a fake date?



Yes.

Yes I am.

I'll take the WHOLE pineapple, please

Fruit and I (or is it me and fruit?) had never really been close. We had been cordial with each other: I'd see an apple or a bag of grapes in the grocery store produce section and I'd nod my head, perhaps offer a friendly, yet non-committal gesture like "hello, nectarines. Nice day, isn't it?" Then I'd continue with my grocery store shopping.

But things changed when I visited Costa Rica for my honeymoon back in September, 2008.

On a boat tour of the Costa Rican jungle, we took a break on a bank of a river and I tasted pineapple for the first time.

Now, I have three great memories of my honeymoon:

1. On that same boat trip, watching a jaguarundi race by at what seemed like a thousand miles per hour and then watching the locals who were running the boat tour LEAVE THE GUESTS BEHIND TO CHASE AFTER IT. I'll never forget the cries of 'jaguarundi! jaguarundi! as they ran after the wild cat.

First of all, guys: please come back? And secondly, that jaguar is in Panama by now.

2. My wife going to a vending machine and leaving me alone for three minutes.

3. Pineapple.

Those sweet, juicy pieces of pineapple changed my life, and not just because it was the quietest my wife had been in months.

I finally had a favorite fruit.

Yet, of all the pineapple I'd eaten since that early-fall day 10 years ago, I'd never actually purchased a whole one.

That is until Thursday evening at the DeKalb Farmer's Market.

***

7:35 p.m. - I first consulted with a woman who was aggressively smelling the various pineapples.

"How can you tell the best ones? I asked.

"The sweeter the smell the fresher the pineapple," she explained.

Easy.

Three minutes, nine pineapples & several disappointed "no, no's" & silent "give me that's" from my new friend later, I had found my guy (or girl! Are pineapples male or female?).

I brought it over to the cutter and he expertly sliced off the stem and skin in seconds (those are sharp blades, sir, were you even looking?!) and produced this piece of fruit:










Beautiful.

8:50 p.m. - Back at my apartment in what can only described as peak my refrigerator.

In the morning I'll have the first bites ("pineapple: the breakfast of guys who played a little JV baseball"), and one day soon it'll all be gone. But my life is forever altered.

I'm no longer chunks of a man.

I'm a whole man.

Yes, from now on, I'll take the WHOLE pineapple, please.