One scene plays

Marvin and Horace

Setting: inside a laundromat, day time. 

Horace is climbing out of a washing machine, a bit rattled, as Marvin approaches.

Marvin: “Excuse me, but did you just climb out of that washing machine?”
Horace: (Horace looks like he has been crying, but says nothing)
M (extremely puzzled, but jumps in to offer help): “Here, let me help you get that stocking out of your hair. [while continuing to help] How long had you been in there?”
H: “Whenever she started the second load.”
M: “She?”
H: “My wife, well, my ex-wife. She divorced me while I was inside.”
M: “When did she divorce you?”
H: “[Growing agitated] I don’t know, sometime around the first spin cycle.”
M: “Seems like an odd place to get divorced.”
H: “I should show you where we got married. [begins to look around laundromat] That reminds me, have you seen a Judge Calhoun? He ran off with my bathing suit during the rinse.”
M: “Judge Calhoun? No. Did she give a reason?”
H: [getting angry] “It’s not even beach weather!”
M: [touches Horace's shoulder sympathetically} “Please. Did she give you a reason?”
H: [acting like his ex-wife] “I have ‘stains that are just impossible to get out’ and I ‘can’t be washed with Canadian quarters’. Her words.”
M: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
H: “Don’t be. I met a nice, young lady while I was inside.”
M: “You met a nice, young lady while you were inside the washing machine?”
H: [hangs head] “Well, she wasn’t nice…..or young.”
M: “You’ve had a tough couple hours, haven’t you?”
H: “Hours? It’s been days. Couldn’t get a pair of khakis clean, [beginning to act like ex-wife again] so we had to 'do it until we got it right'. Again, her words.”
M: “Well, can I help with anything?”
H: [holds up sock] “You can help me find the other tube sock.”
M: “I have to say, all things considered, you’re handling this whole thing pretty well.” [finds sock on floor and hands it to Horace]
H: [looks adoringly] “You had me at ‘those pants look great on you.’”
M: “You’re not wearing any pants.”

(Marvin runs out of laundromat. Scene ends.)


Letter to the sports editor

    I had a long awaited until the coleslaws clear for a salad response, but last loss was the icing on my cape.
    The gobs cantheynot stomp a grounder? Their hitters all the way swing at mist, and the pigeon staff no know where to hold the plate.
    The manager is a wayne passing in his prime, and kenny even right a lineup?
    "Derrickfull", I hear one of the kenny saying.
    Another few moth fly and no freed asian wouldna sign. And if this is howie playing baseball, I don't want a season jacket holder.

Julie  - Candace City

Music review

From the opening reef of “The Raymond Song”
to the clothesline on “Harp breaker”, it’s a clearing
of crickets that Leg Zipline cover band When The Levis
Break are geysers who have all the rocks in their socks.

After a hippo act from old crouton Napkin Cole,
who played all his salad gold (“a Dale in a life”,
hung among the otters), the thousand-seat theodore
let out an owl, leaving the mousers blind as bath mats.

Up front are a beige plant on hisitar and sing, and the
ribbon section, led by the Seans - Bottom on eye hat and
Poor Joel Jones on pace – is purest trombone bosoms
and sure to bring a deer to your eye.

But don’t just type my words for it, here it from the blouses.

“It’ll be the salad of the caesar,” a one says.

“This generation’s asian overdose,” said a he and she.
“These jimmys’ll Wanda up the billiard charts, no dart.”

- Bobby Tuna Magazine, issue 6