I’ve been golfing once in my life and learned four things immediately: golf is a serious game played very quietly by serious people in serious pants.

Well, five things: apparently, sweatpants aren’t considered serious.

Golf includes picking up blades of grass and tossing them in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is completely ridiculous.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

The following is a step-by-step guide for the non-serious golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable. 

1. Mention how great of a golfer you are several times prior to the round. Then, as you play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse at each hole, keep muttering how you "never play like this" while blaming things like the condition of the course or some kind of back injury.

And as you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone questions you. If they do, ask “excuse me, are you a doctor?”. Silence? Keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you complain, which will be often.

2. Disappear for really long stretches of time. Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask "where have you been?", you can say

A. "Playing tennis."
B. "I'd rather not say."
C. "On the third hole giving a lesson. Not a golf lesson. Wok cooking."
D. "Playing a few holes with three other people."
E. "I could ask you the same question."

3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood.

Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a Tazmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a bathing suit, flip flops and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

4. Golf often takes place in the morning, so bringing a sack of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the sack and eating some eggs is encouraged. 

If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they might not), make a wager on a hole: "Get within three feet of the cup with this chip shot and you can reach in and grab as much as you want."

Next-level scrambled eggs

* Bring some with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green. And use an egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball on the green.

5. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're done, either:

A. Give a "thumbs up" for an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask them to dance. Not with you, but to dance by themselves.
C. Return shortly after and ask them to sign something else, like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.

(Try to get them to use their own pen and when they're done signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen).

6. The clubhouse is a big deal, though I'm not sure why.

Here are a few ways to shake it up a bit in the clubhouse.

A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass from the fairway at 11; a cup of sand from the 6th hole, or just items from the clubhouse. ‘How much for this chair? Hey, I got $40, do I hear $50?!'

Make sure you have a gavel.

B. Announce drinks are on you, then when a person orders a beer, single them out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."

C. Parade someone around the clubhouse flanked by a handful of people who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the way and pretend to whisper into walkie talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in and out of different doors of the clubhouse repeating the same thing each time.

Kurt Aschermann is a staff writer at Hole In 11 Magazine. He can be reached at