Electronic mail-order brides

The last couple weeks I’ve received dozens of emails telling me about all of the Ukrainian women I could date. 

Messages with subject lines such as “Ukrainian Charm”, “Ukrainian Dating” and the extremely uncomfortable “Ukraine Girls Now” have popped up in my spam folder like tiny airplane bottles of I wouldn't click on this sauce. 

The latest arrived Friday morning.

Sure, we've got a few misspellings, but my favorite part is the Re:

Hi, Mr. Aschermann? This is Bogdan with the Ukrainian Dating email service just returning your email. We hear you found some really hoot womeen and for us to see for our sleeves? Well, guess what we found?

What is fake dating?

If your mom/dad/band teacher comes is that a fake date?

Let’s say you meet someone and choose a restaurant for your first time out together. You walk in and the hostess seats you at an ironing board and hands you menus from another restaurant. The waiter approaches and listens to your order but doesn’t write anything down, then brings empty plates. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, but instead run wind sprints in the parking lot. Later, you pretend to hand the waiter a credit card and he pretends to take it and moments later brings a blank sheet of paper, which you do not sign.

A bus boy sits on the floor, playing in mayonnaise.

You walk outside and hand the valet nothing, he disappears for a minute and upon his return pours some dish soap in your hand.

Is that a fake date?


Yes I am.